The Drivel Thread

Could this be what the stress test technician who jabbed something into my chest has been anticipating happening to me? I hope I will learn the biopsy results before this becomes debilitating. I want to know what he put in me and to report it here. I don’t want him to get away with it being his secret that I have to bear to my grave.
 
All three photos I just posted, the first two my right leg, the last photo of my left leg, were taken about 20 minutes ago. I wonder if the pattern in my left leg is what I saw yesterday and hasn’t faded. I don’t know. I don’t think it’s impressions from fabric pressed against my skin, though immediately that is the assumption upon noticing it. If I die suddenly, who will go through my things and find my banking password? What will they do with it? I haven’t written a will. Oh well, it doesn’t really matter, as it’s not so much I have in there and it won’t go far, though I would prefer to have chosen who handles my affairs once I’m gone, and to have discussed it with them. Life will “creep up and mug you” sometimes.
 
My vision is more blurry this morning, though I’m glad I can still make out words and images enough to manage. I guess I’ll mosey on over to writing morning pages shortly. I’m feeling tempted to make a coffee, because I crave the bitter taste when emotionally embittered. It is a bitter sting to think that the technician who jabbed my chest with a substance that stung months ago is enjoying the course he has set me on. I just don’t want it to remain his secret. Maybe I will find out today the results from the lab about the biopsy of the chest wound and record them here, before my body goes so haywire that I can’t post on this thread anymore. At least I don’t have a headache upon waking today (It’s 3:10AM), and there is happiness in my heart after seeing Morrissey’s concert footage from last weekend. My right leg feels plagued a bit. Damn, I was just beginning to live, and what is happening to my body? I’m glad I got this far, to finally be sanely aware of the present, no longer dissociating from reality to cope with early childhood trauma. It took decades but I have arrived at least, before I will die. I do hope I will have enough warning when my time is nearly up, so that I can empty my bank account and give my little bit of savings to a friend before I take my last breath.
 
I’m sitting on the fence debating whether to finally open the package of coffee beans or not. I’m going to, to fight bitterness with bitterness. Peppermint tea’s not got the kick to it that coffee does. I’d rather sip peppermint tea with Morrissey than drink coffee by myself while writing morning pages, but I can’t everything my way all at once. I hope to enjoy seeing footage of his concerts Thursday and Friday evenings. I will die happy if so. I will die happy even if I don’t get to see it, despite the bitterness I feel about sadists running amok. I’m happy because I feel loving and loved. I’m in love with Morrissey, and so with life. It is embittering to make the decision to start drinking coffee again. Many attacks that came in various forms that have taken a bite out of my quality of life bit by bit have cumulatively taken a toll, driving me to make the stupid coffee. No, I’m going to make peppermint tea.
 
It’s a long interview with a woman who wrote a book about narcissistic abuse and how best to survive it. I’ve nearly finished watching it. This woman knows what she’s talking about, and has a lot of guts to articulate it with passion and astonishing wisdom.
 
Light Housework said:
It’s a long interview with a woman who wrote a book about narcissistic abuse and how best to survive it. I’ve nearly finished watching it. This woman knows what she’s talking about, and has a lot of guts to articulate it with passion and astonishing wisdom.
Click to expand...

She's a clinical psychologist and expert on personality disorders, I watch a lot of her videos, she is really interesting. She has her own youtube channel, Dr. Ramani.
 
Redacted said:
She's a clinical psychologist and expert on personality disorders, I watch a lot of her videos, she is really interesting. She has her own youtube channel, Dr. Ramani.
Click to expand...
I might become a member of her website. I think it’s called firesidechat.com. I looked into it and saw a brief clip of Maria Shriver with tears streaming from her eyes as Dr. Ramani helped her understand what I’m guessing she went through with Arnold Swarzenneger. She looks gorgeous when she's crying. I’ve always found her to have looked tightly wound up, tense, but not this time.
 
Last edited:
This is her profile on firesidechat.
firesidechat.com

Join Dr. Ramani Network on Fireside

Dr. Ramani Network - Dr. Ramani Durvasula, New York Times bestselling author and the world's #1 expert on narcissistic relationships, is launching a new interactive, transformative network on navigating narcissism and toxic relationships. We are excited to share Dr. Ramani is expanding her...
firesidechat.com firesidechat.com
 
Dreamt that there was a pretty tall, pretty dark, muscular black man and as we were about to kiss I thought to myself “Why am I kissing this guy when it’s Morrissey I want to experience this with?”. We proceeded to kiss just the same, and it was okay, but it didn’t stir any emotion in me. Then he got physical from my neck down, and I wasn’t enjoying it, so I went off on my own, and found myself on a bus or streetcar in the back area, and lied down on my stomach on a bench of empty seats. Many young males entered and one grabbed my ass. I changed my position to avoid feeling any more of that from them. That’s all I remember. That song that goes “Another girl’s arousing my, curiosity.” plays in my head. The chest sore nibbled on me yesterday and a small part of it looked up and at ‘em, irritated and ominous. I haven’t called yet to ask if the biopsy results have come in. I was trying to keep my phone free for a call that was expected yesterday but never happened. Think I’ll go back to bed with my groggy self soon. Looking forward to the coming evening and tomorrow evening’s Morrissey concerts, and checking obsessively for fresh video uploads from them.
 
Light Housework said:
Dreamt that there was a pretty tall, pretty dark, muscular black man and as we were about to kiss I thought to myself “Why am I kissing this guy when it’s Morrissey I want to experience this with?”. We proceeded to kiss just the same, and it was okay, but it didn’t stir any emotion in me. Then he got physical from my neck down, and I wasn’t enjoying it, so I went off on my own, and found myself on a bus or streetcar in the back area, and lied down on my stomach on a bench of empty seats. Many young males entered and one grabbed my ass. I changed my position to avoid feeling any more of that from them. That’s all I remember. That song that goes “Another girl’s arousing my, curiosity.” plays in my head. The chest sore nibbled on me yesterday and a small part of it looked up and at ‘em, irritated and ominous. I haven’t called yet to ask if the biopsy results have come in. I was trying to keep my phone free for a call that was expected yesterday but never happened. Think I’ll go back to bed with my groggy self soon. Looking forward to the coming evening and tomorrow evening’s Morrissey concerts, and checking obsessively for fresh video uploads from them.
Click to expand...
Your efforts finding/posting the best videos in the gig threads are certainly appreciated.
 
Finally received the phone call I’d been waiting for this morning, received some confirmation I’ve been wanting to have for a month, and edited an important email, and sent it. Then I called the clinic to ask if the biopsy results are in, and they’d just become available, so I’m waiting for a nurse to call me back to reveal what those results are. Whatever they are, I want to get the revelation over with so I can begin to digest it. No rattling cough yet since waking up about an hour ago, and the chest sore hasn’t nibbled on me yet this morning. The fungus that was in the centres of my palms hasn’t come back since I finished treating it about a month ago. Anticipating drinking in footage of Morrissey’s concert tonight and tomorrow night. Excited about life now, where yesterday I was blase, probably because I was playing my cards close to my chest, but I’m feeling safer now to relax and enjoy myself. Two big mugs of peppermint tea are steeped and I can begin to write morning pages while listening to Chopin, or maybe just the sounds coming in through the window. I wish I could share how I feel with everyone so they would experience it for themselves. It’s a calm enthusiasm that is loving, though tempered by having witnessed in many ways and having been subjected to much deliberate and often cunning cruelty.
 
Received the phone call with the biopsy results, and they only detected scar tissue. I will be continuing to observe and trying to document what happens, and make sense of it. I’m glad I’m not waiting for any more phone calls, except for one finally giving me an appointment to have the CT scan for my right lung, which I’m not holding my breath for as they keep pushing me back in the waiting list. I’m enjoying hearing the sounds of crows, seagulls, and a small barking dog coming in through the window, and sipping peppermint tea again.
 
Still haven’t started to write morning pages, because I went to YouTube to put on some Chopin before starting, and a video about covert narcissism caught my curiosity, and I ended up watching two of this guy’s very sober and succinct lectures that educate and validate. He’s humble too, because he got duped by a covert narcissist recently and invested a lot of his time in a ‘friendship’ that eventually he realized, after failing to recognize numerous warning signs despite his expertise, was only himself being a friend, while the other person in the relationship was given a pass time after time, with the rationalization that his ‘friend’ was just eccentric. Eventually he cottoned on to what was happening. He laughs with his audience at his own stupidity several times and it’s a pleasure to watch and listen to him as he learns and teaches at the same time.
 
She’s written several books about relationships with narcissists and co-dependant relationships, and has been through it herself. It was a lengthy watch I found interesting though scary. The way she described the dynamics of narcissistic abuse is cinematic and almost palpable.
 
I’ve been replaying February 13th 2024 in my memory and trying to imagine hooking up with you Morrissey, by gently taking your hand and leading you into my apartment, but I still had to learn to practice being aware of the present so I don’t dissociate from reality, to only mull it over once I’m back home alone and no longer have the option to greet you. I hope you’ll come to me soon and give me another chance to love you in the flesh, which reminds me, I’d better eat something. I’m getting too scrawny and I don’t want people being ‘concerned’ about me.
 

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